The Inescapable Tyranny of House Cats
by Mikki Kimani
Summary: Ludwig hates Miau. Hates her with a burning rage deep in his soul. The cat is a fucking demon and no one but him seems to realize it. The worst part of everything though is that the only reason he is an abusive relationship with said overweight feline is because he is pathetically and desperately in love with her owner, Feliciano.


**A/N: Obligatory disclaimer; I own nothing, only the story. I'm not making any money either**

**Beta'd by the fabulous Robyn**

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**The Inescapable Tyranny Of House Cats **

Ludwig hates Miau. Hates her with a burning rage deep in his soul. The cat is a fucking demon and no one but him seems to realize it. The worst part of everything though is that the only reason he is an abusive relationship with said overweight feline is because he is pathetically and desperately in love with her owner, Feliciano. He was still confused as to exactly how he had ended up cat-sitting for him. As far as he knew, it had been an ordinary humiliating day at the office and he had gotten home exhausted and craving a cold beer when Feliciano showed up at his door holding a cat basket and tinned food, wearing a grateful smile, and he had somehow ended up being held hostage in his home by a pint sized tabby demon.

Kiku and Heracles from the office would probably never let him forget this. When he first got the job, Ludwig had been so happy to get a chance to work as an accountant at the Hetalia Firm but now he spent most of his days hiding from his co workers because somehow everyone seemed to know about his idiotic crush on Feliciano. Everyone. He'd have thought working at such a prestigious law firm would have eliminated water cooler gossip amongst his colleagues but apparently not. Lovino glared hatefully at him behind his boyfriend Antonio's back and threatened his testicles in a variety of imaginative and increasingly cruel ways under his breath whenever they ran into each other. Francis made snide comments whenever he saw Ludwig looking at Feliciano. Well, Francis described it as "staring longingly" but Ludwig was desperate to hold onto his last shred of self respect and would vehemently deny just how hard his heart beat whenever Feli so much as glanced at him. Arthur had a permanent smirk on his annoying face and made a point of kissing Alfred around him as if to rub in just how happy and couple-y they were while Lotte and Yao were always giving him restaurant recommendations or suggestions for romantic dates.

Ludwig knew they meant no harm but he couldn't help feeling a little sad. Feliciano was so happy and friendly and handsome and didn't seem to care what anyone thought of him and wore dresses to work because he thought he looked pretty in them and was so…out of his league. There was no way he'd want anything to do with dour old Ludwig Beilschmidt. Ludwig knew he was reasonably attractive and Not A Serial Killer which made him okay boyfriend material but nowhere near good enough to date the beautiful and otherworldly Feliciano.

His policy on dealing with such depressing thoughts was to avoid Feliciano for a few hours in the hope that distance would make his crush less pathetic (it never did). That day was no exception. He'd ensconced himself in his office with a mountain of paperwork and bitter coffee and had thrown himself into his work but then Feliciano showed up later that afternoon and there was no way Ludwig could tell him to leave, so he sat and listened to him chattering for hours about his day and the pasta he was going to cook for dinner; hoping that he wouldn't notice the ecstatic grin he was struggling to contain. At some point Feliciano mentioned how his Grandpa Roma lived four hours away and it was his birthday that weekend so he and Romano had to attend the party so please would Ludwig watch Miau for him but he was too busy watching how beautiful his pouty mouth looked forming words and valiantly trying not to imagine those lips wrapped around certain parts of his anatomy so he could hardly be blamed for not realizing just what he had signed up for.

Which brought him back to the present, watching in fear from his vantage point in the kitchen as Miau tore his favourite armchair into shreds. His past attempts to direct her to her scratching post had been met with sharp claws and muttered curses and he'd beaten a hasty retreat into the kitchen to ice his bleeding hand and call his brother to come save him.

Gilbert showed up with a bottle of vodka whose alcohol content was probably illegal and laughed for ten minutes straight at poor Ludwig before locking the cat in the bathroom to "think about what she had done".

"He's got you good and whipped and he hasn't even put out yet" he wheezed between fits of laughter.

Ludwig glared sulkily at him (seriously, why did he even bother talking to his brother?) before uncapping the bottle and downing a large amount, wincing as it burned down his throat. Whatever. It wasn't as if it hurt more than his heart.

By the time Gilbert managed to calm down and stop using some annoying app he had on his phone that made a sound like a cracked whip; Ludwig was well and truly sloshed.

"He's just so pretty, Gil" he moaned morosely, "his eyes are so brown...like beautiful…like beautiful puddles of mud" he slurred. The room was spinning around at this point so he thought it would be a good idea to lie on the floor, just for a little while. "I just want to roll around in them and smell his hair" he continued, gesticulating wildly with his arms, "he always smells like sunshine, and pizza and ice cream and maybe we could get a dog together and name it Pasta but Romano hates me and he said he would squeeze my balls with a garlic crusher so I won't invite him to our wedding"

He frowned up at the two Gilbert's staring at him from the sofa. They didn't seem to be taking his romantic problems very seriously as they were back to laughing and recording his impassioned speech

" D'you think he likes me Gil?" he asked in a quiet little voice

"Listen to me Westy cause I'm only going to tell you this once," Gilbert said firmly, tilting Ludwig's head towards him "You are a great guy. Sure your job is boring and you wear ugly suits. Underneath your Clark Kent there is a Superman with a great booty and Feliciano would be lucky to have you"

"You think I have a nice butt?" Ludwig asked, a wide grin lighting up his face

Gilbert staggered to his feet before dramatically sinking to his knees. "Ludwig Beilschmidt" he said in a serious tone "after my fine Roddy's ass, you have the nicest butt I have ever seen"

At least that's what Ludwig thought he'd said. He'd chosen that moment to fall asleep face down on the carpet.

Ludwig woke up in a puddle of his own drool to a ferocious headache only made worse by the angry yowling issuing from the bathroom. But why would his bathroom be yowling? As he staggered to his feet he vowed to never ever drink with Gilbert again. It only led to bad things like videos of him dancing on top of Roderich's grand piano (he still had nightmares about that stag weekend in Vienna).

Gilbert was still fast asleep, head hanging off the sofa and snoring in the most obnoxious way possible. Ludwig viciously wished that he woke up with a crick in his neck as he blindly searched for some aspirin to soothe his aching head. Which inadvertently led him to unleashing the kraken from the bathroom. He only remembered that Gilbert had shoved her in there last night when she ruthlessly attacked his shins and toes. Ludwig couldn't even bother defending himself, he just wanted to find some aspirin and maybe somewhere quiet to die, he was in that much pain

He was standing in the kitchen contemplating if his heaving stomach would be able to deal with a slice of toast when he heard the shrill buzzing of his doorbell.

"Why are you torturing me like this Luddy?!" screeched Gilbert from his position on his sofa "Make it stoooop!" he wailed dramatically

"I'm coming, I'm coming" Ludwig muttered as he headed towards the door. Only to find Feliciano on his doorstep. "I came for Miau" he said smiling "Lovino and Grandpa Roma got into an argument so we left early. But why aren't you wearing a shirt? And why are your hands bleeding? Was Miau in a bad mood again? "He asked concernedly, "Are you okay, you look like death warmed up. Maybe I should come in" And with that he stepped smartly over his threshold.

-  
Ludwig had never been so humiliated in his life.

When he pictured inviting Feli into his house, he was usually dressed in more than a holey pair of boxers and didn't smell like an abandoned brewery. Gilbert also usually wasn't there, retching loudly in the background.

"You really don't have to do this" he told Feliciano for the third time. Upon seeing his hung-over state, Feliciano had decided that a hearty Italian breakfast was the only way to cure him and was now standing in all his handsome fragrant glory barefoot in Ludwig's bare kitchen frying eggs and serving him a steaming cup of coffee. The food smelt delicious and if Ludwig hadn't been so ashamed he would have probably already proposed.

"Don't be silly" Feliciano replied with one of his dazzling smiles. "I don't mind. Plus I get to meet your boyfriend".

"I'm sorry…what?" Ludwig sputtering out of his coffee.

"Please, as if Ludwig could ever date a hot piece of ass like me" Gilbert smirked, finally emerging from the bathroom. 'You must be the Feliciano my brother is madly in love with" he said, extending a hand to shake.

"Don't touch his hand Feliciano, he hasn't washed them in about three years." Ludwig interjected automatically before registering just what his idiot brother had said "Also…what the fuck Gilbert" he hissed, mortification turning his cheeks bright red.

"What, just telling the truth" he shrugged, snagging a piece of French toast from his plate.

'Wait, if you're not his boyfriend, who is?" Feliciano asked confusedly. "He's dating someone, right? I heard Antonio and Natalya talking about it at work. That's why I didn't ask him out even though I've been dreaming about his muscles for a long time".

This time Ludwig really did choke on his coffee and had to be hit hard on the back before he managed to breathe normally again.

"You like me?" he managed to wheeze out.

"Of course I like you! You're smart and funny and handsome and you tie my shoelaces for me sometimes and your eyes are so nice and blue like the sky on a sunny Sunday and when I get paper jammed in the copier you help me out" he said enthusiastically "I just wish you weren't so in love with your boyfriend then maybe we could go out for dinner sometimes" he finished sadly.

Ludwig felt hope rising in his chest and was about to break into a speech telling Feli just what he loved about him (that he had most emphaticallynever rehearsed) when Gilbert said "Boy, you must be dumber than a box of hair if you didn't notice the massive hard on Luddy here has for you".

He wondered what the maximum sentence for fratricide was

"You like me too?" Feli asked, smiling hopefully at him

Just as he was about to answer Gilbert interfered again by thrusting his phone into a startled Feliciano's hands. "Just watch this video" he said with a lascivious wink.

Ludwig then had to live through the most embarrassing five minutes of his life as Feli watched drunk him ramble on and on about how his eyes were like puddles of mud.

He could probably survive prison. He was tough and only cried when he watched Bambi, how hard could incarceration be?

He had buried his face in his hands and was seriously contemplating suicide when he felt soft fingers on his own. Feli slowly peeled them from his burning face and looked him in the eye as he said "I guess you really like me then".

Ludwig, to his utter mortification, was turned into a blushing stammering idiot at how close Feliciano was standing to him. He was close enough to count his eyelashes and see the faint smattering of freckles on his nose "Yeah…I…er…I really like you" he managed to say.

Feliciano's response was to smile widely at him and move even closer. Their lips were nearly touching as he whispered "So I guess it would be okay if I kissed you?"

Ludwig nearly snapped his head, he was nodding so fast. He went cross-eyed as Feli moved his lips closer and closer to his, he knew he should probably close his eyes but he wanted to see what he had been dreaming about for so long. They were a second from touching when Gilbert (damn him to eternity) interrupted again by making smooching noises and declaring "No one gets to kiss my brother until I get pancakes"

They were never going to find his body once Ludwig was done with him.

It had been five months and Ludwig still hated Feliciano's psychotic cat.

But he was more than willing to put up with her and her homicidal tendencies if he meant he could share lazy morning kisses with Feli. And middle of the meeting kisses. And we both just happened to be near the coffeemaker at the same time kisses. And steamy heated kisses in his locked office.

Ludwig had never been so happy to be the subject of office gossip.

**Thoughts? Let me know in the review box, I really appreciate constructive criticism :)**


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